Tag Archives: healing

fiction #8? the bookstore. Jillie finds the first book that might help.

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“Ann Boroch?”  I repeated as I stared numbly at the title of the book in my hands, Healing Multiple Sclerosis.

“Do you think it’s a hard ‘k‘ sound?  Or a swoosh type finish? OR is it like chai tea?”  I asked Anya, annoyed at everyone who has ever had a hard last name to pronounce.

“What does it matter?”  Annie asked.

“It matters to me,” I said with an edge to my voice.  “Why can’t anything be simple with this beast?”

I turned the blue soft-hard-back over, looking for a hint of some sort of solution without having to read the 300+ pages.

“Here, you read it first, you’re a fast reader,”  I said shoving the copy into Annie’s hands.

“Do you want me too?  Why don’t we read it together?  We can hold a mini-book club meeting once we’re finished.  Or even check in as we read.  Come on girl.  You gotta read this stuff.  I’ll do it with you,” she said softly.

“Fine.  I just hope I don’t have to jump on the green juice wagon or whatever it is that’s popular with you kids these days – if I do it, you’re doing it too.” I said stiffly grabbing a second copy.

xo

chance encounter.

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exhausted.  after one night in Vegas.

I am getting old!

but have never had such a fab birthday!

last night in Vegas, I met a girl at our three card poker table.  I knew as soon as she sat down that her energy was good.  I liked her instantly.

she started talking to the dealer, who wanted to know where she and her hub were from etc.

chicago.

of course, that piqued my hub’s interest.

turned out she played water polo at my hub’s high school.  after it had been converted to co-ed.  this is not the first time we have run into former Fenwick peeps.  randomly!  i.e., when a gaggle of teen guys from Chicago were in FL wanting to play with my sistas…all attended Fenwick.  and jumped to attention once they heard my hub did.

anyhow, I digress.

this girl shared with our dealer that she wanted a break after dealing with a horrible diagnosis two+ years ago.

I couldn’t NOT ask her.

she had leukemia.  and kicked it out of her universe!  awesome.  we clinked our glasses.  she rocked.

I shared what I have.

and she said, oh, that’s way worse than leukemia.

whaaaat??  no way!!   I said.   not my version of MS.  no way, no how.

she said, trust me.

huh.

I still refute her statement.  though the hub and I discussed further tonight:  she knew what the treatment options were.  she had an end point to her treatment and kicked cancer in its balls.

got it.  just like I am kicking MS.  same story.  different circumstance.  no kids.  for the aforementioned reasons.  we got each other.  so, so cool!

my only regret, I did not get her number.  but we winked, mentally hugged, and high five’d as the hub and I left the table.  the best part…she didn’t believe I am 39.  ha!

xox

 

good-bye 38.

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wow.  38 sure was a full plate.

really did I just rhyme that?  let me contemplate…ummm.  no.

so to continue with my plate theme…last year was full of lots of plates stacked on top of each other.  some fell, sadly.

but lots didn’t…and looked like…

learning.

inspiration.

growth.

loving.  more.

sharing.

giving.

creating.

followed by some writing.  ;-)

cheering.

and more loving.  oh wait.  already said that.

so that’s what 38 was all about…thank you for all that you gave me.

whaaat’s up 39?!

I’ll see you tomorrow.  can’t wait to experience what you have in store for me!  if you’re listening, I’ll have some more of the fun, colorful, great-full, and feel-good plates, please.  mega-learning and expansion.  a completed first draft, for sure.  solid health.  yeah!  movement at work.  a new biz website.  and maybe throw in a celebrity run-in.  that would be cool.  you know, not even a well-known celebrity will do.  I’ll take ‘em!  and don’t forget the LOVE.  always gotta have that!

xox

what is gone lives on.

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the above thought hit me earlier today, while re-reading a poem that one of my friends had posted on FB when I shared my breaking heart.

the poem has been rolling around in my thoughts since it was posted.

at first, I wanted to throw it away.

but it didn’t want to be thrown away.

the words kept showing up.  and then they made sense.  Sunday night.  the words made sense.

my beloved Grandma has taken a turn for the worse.  the words have been touching and poking various parts of my thoughts.  mind.  emotions.

soul.

When I Die, by Merrit Malloy.  I have copied it below…

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old(er generations) that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not on your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting
Bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,

Give me away.

~

so beautiful.  I see it.

and if I can muster the courage, I will read this for my Grandma.  one day.

what is gone lives on.

and with that, we have control of what we want to keep.  and what we let go.  and that’s okay.

Saturday was the hardest day.  so far.

I will forget the morning.  but keep the evening.  my choice.

xoxox

tap happy.

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just watched Nick Ortner, author of the soon to be released book, The Tapping Solution…interview Louise Hay. wowzer!

she is 86. holy moly. she is rocking her life! and looks awesome! happy.

I believe in tapping. it’s so easy. yet hard to wrap your left brain around.

give it a go, I dare ya!

~

been leaving the blog alone this last week.

too much going on in real life. which makes me feel like I’m supposed to be writing. I should be writing.

but I’m not. words sometimes avoid me at times like this. and that’s okay.

but tonight on the way home from work, I was hit with minor inspiration. legs rippled with goosebumps. so that’s def a good sign. :-)

see…I have been taking the MBTI (Myers-Briggs) Step II course – which further deconstructs one’s MBTI personality type. so super cool! I love, love it. it makes my type make even more sense to me. if that’s ever going to be possible. ;-)

seems like I’m a glutton for contradiction. one of my facets is casual – out of preference – of course! and another one is planful. huh? how do those two work together.

but when I thought about it, I realized that I plan out casual-time. aha!

so I have a plan to draft out all my character’s personalities. long weekend this weekend. this is going on the plan-full list. ;-)

here’s the rub.

my grandma has been in the hospital – which has had me on a constant side-bar. that’s okay.

all I can say is that there is nothing like holding your sweet grandma’s hand.

she held my hand up yesterday and out in front of her. she turned it around in her hand…and opened her eyes to stare at my engagement ring.

“it’s so beautiful,” she said in a garbled voice.

I will never forget that.

once she was satisfied, she laid both our hands down on her right side. and squeezed my hand tight. I squeezed back.

God, I pray that you ease my Grandma’s fears as she moves in the evening hour of her life.

I talked to her doc today.

he thinks she had a stroke – which is why she can’t move her left side. but nothing has shown up on a CT scan.

she is so confused and scared…and the doc wants her in a more peaceful environment. which is NOT in a hospital. she moved tonight. phew!

that’s the latest people…hope you are enjoying every moment…I sure am.

xoxo

word.

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been working with my MuSe for inspiration 2011-12.

now time to create what inspires me.

a completed first draft.  already underway.

a job.  even in my current job.

a healthy body.  with my current body.

a strong(er) mind.

a business.

learning.  and listening.

happiness.  laugh.  smile.

balance.

connect.  (no, baby, not on the XBox… ;-)

Lori Koop says one word is easier to focus on than a list of resolutions that is quickly forgotten.  and very often broken.

I discovered that just by identifying my one word for 2013, create…all the things for which I do reach – feel much more palpable.  and closer.  no set timeline.  easy.

create comes after inspiration.

here’s to a better year this year!! be safe out there tonight, people!

what’s your word for 2013?  create below if you like…I dare ya!  ;-)

xoxo

the way.

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finished the book, Untethered Soul, this afternoon.

and I have concluded that this book is definitely going on the books that changed my life shelf.

indeed.  this one may have topped the list.

do read it.  and go back to it.

I know I will.

forces one to think.  and not think.

ponder.

and consider.  inspiration.

why we are here?

what is the end-goal of life?

why?

all questions I have been playing with for the past four years.  (really, that’s it!)

until then, I had been living a false life.

hiding behind my story.  do you have one too?

but when my carefully self-constructed story began to disintegrate out of my control, I didn’t know what to do.

and so, I have been on a roller-coaster journey since.

well, let me back up.  I had glimpses of this revelation in 2006.  I was intrigued.  curious.

thanks to my chiropractor.  she saw something I could not see yet.

how grateful, I am for this journey, as hard and painful as it has been!

I had been living a false, superficial, artificial life.

not that I believe that I have now reached the promised land.  because I know things always change.

even after carefully constructing a simple, easy, planned life years ago – I stand corrected.

it was this thing called a chronic condition that really solidified my realization that there is more to life than security.  external approval.  and more approval.

that’s the life I had been living.  pretty weak, eh?

when one of my friends said back in…2007?…that all she wanted was to be happy…my reaction was, that’s it?

now, I get it.  I get it!

I have been shown the way.

and I have been rolling around bottom of the pendulum swing for the last year+.  with some momentary and/or a few hour-long swings both ways.

but I get it.

the only thing in life that is worth our being here for our short stint on planet earth, is to reach an even flow of ecstasy.

all the time.

it’s so simple, it’s hard.

xo

how much we take for granted.

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how much we take for granted.

and with the events of yesterday…how can one not think of what we take for granted? God bless the lost souls. and affected loved ones. a shooting in Las Vegas and then another one in Fashion Island, Newport Beach today? really?

what is happening to us? I cried.

but tonight, my attention was diverted by an uber-spasmed muscle.

it sure is the un-spasmed muscles we take for granted. for one.

oooph. hub and I were out for a lovely dinner tonight.

shabu shabu style to finish off our week of meat indulgence. cows are off my list for 2013, I decided.

after finishing off with a strawberry macoron. my entire right side – from low rib cage up.

decided to spasm.

like someone had shoved an amber glowing fireplace poker between my skin and my muscles. ooooph. how it burned. and burned.

I couldn’t even contract my stomach muscles. or breathe in deeply. at all.

someone had decided to hug me hard enough to evacuate all the air from my lungs. and burn me. and keep hugging me. oh so tight.

even my body stopped me from a sneeze that was ready to erupt. my body was not having any other focus than this intense pain.

let’s go, I look at my hub. in desperation. I’m so sorry.

can you please just rub it? I don’t know what’s happening. it’s hot. and burning. and I can’t breathe very well. I say to my worried hub as we head home.

I know spasms are a part of the MS card. but really. this bad??

please God. release me, I pleaded.

staving off the tears. it burned so incredibly bad. ever notice that when you’re in intense pain, the tears don’t come easily. your body is so distracted by the pain. no tears swell to the surface and tip over the edge of your bottom eyelashes. even when my right foot spasms in a zombie type manner.

with the intensity, I don’t cry. though the pain is worthy of tears.

I tapped. and tapped in the car on the way home. I get it, I have MS, and I accept it. I whisper over and over again.

and then stretched and stretched, my right arm stretched high over the left side of my body. the peeps driving behind us must have been curious.

my hub rubbed my back after we got home. over and over again. I get up and stretch. and pace.

it’s not getting better, I say. what is this? I want to know. please someone help me, help me.

so I go to the bathroom and decide to focus on peeing – sorry for the graphic image.

good. good. I can still pee in this condition. and I stretch some more. phew. and then I walk out. and start breathing deeply.

whaaaat? it’s gone? I say. it’s gone? really that quickly?

I’m confused. is it really gone? I want to know.

yes. it’s gone.

thank you, God. thank you, thank you, thank you. I silently say.

I know I have been denying that I have MS. I do not deny that anymore.

I accept it. a year+ later.

and I will do something with it, I promise.

xo

ps. thank you God, for giving me my rock. he so didn’t sign up for this. or maybe he did. now the tears flow easily. x

closing 2012.

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…and contemplating 2013.

because I do believe the world is going to keep thumping after 12/21/12.  ;-)

just re-read my inspiration list from 2012..and realized that I have  accomplished most of the items on my list…plus a few add ons.  i.e., myers-briggs training.  that was so cool!!

though, in a nutshell, it’s a reality that 2012 is closing just as crappy as 2011.

as far as still journeying with MS.  and losing a close family member.

I can’t imagine what my cousin’s wife must be going through.  I think about her a lot.  now we’re all three months post.  what happened to her (losing a hub), would flatten me.  and bankrupt me.  but maybe neither.  or maybe both.  who knows.

so I just keep praying with gratitude every day for what I do have.

sounds quite grade school, but one thing I have realized in ’11 and ’12, is that life goes on.  regardless.  life persists even after a life ends.  or changes significantly.  the loss of a job.  the loss of a house.  loss of health insurance.  failure.  loss of health.

life persists.

which is why I’m writing about Jillie and Anya.  to face some of the above challenges through them when it comes to my an MS journey and life challenges. must watch out though (when it comes to LOA).  good, happy endings will flourish.  :-)

outside that nutshell there was a lot of internal good this year as I look at my blog tags…

belief.  feeling.  live.  laugh.  love.  pray.  presence.  mindful-ness.  courage.  love.  gratitude.  acceptance.  perseverance.  heal.  write.  happiness.  love.  learn.  expand.  meditation.  strength.  giving back.  inspiration.

so what is up for 2013??   need to meditate on that over the next three weeks.

but at a glance>>>all of the good stuff above.  again.  and up the giving back.  +coaching.  +writing.  new one:  connection.

what are your take-aways from 2012?  would love to hear!

xo

ps.  this was kind of a bum-out post.  at least that’s how I’m feeling now.  I need want an artist’s date.  or perhaps give chap. 10 of the artist’s way a third read.  feeling a bit stilted with my writing since I stopped my 50 in 30 day blog-o-mania.  can someone give me a prompt please?  ;-)    one of the titles on my list is Owl vs. Al.  maybe I’ll work on that one later!  because that is one funny story…x

50/50. what is mind body gallery?

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this is it!  50/50.  fifty blog posts in 30 days.  wwhooeee!!!  so proud I actually did it.  and didn’t give up!

so here you go…

you may be wondering, what is up with the mbg or mindbodygallery.com? 

I bought the domain name, mindbodygallery.com, in 2010 when I decided to make over my life…along with jennifernightingale.com (for the six word memoirs that I loved to write back then. I have pages of them!)  can’t recall if I still own the latter.  huh.  or ha!

anyway, mind body gallery is the name of my new small business!

now open!

when I told my Grandma about it on Thanksgiving, her eyes twinkled, and she sat up in her chair, tell me how this happened?, she wanted to know.  so cool.  :-)

so what is it?

beginning with a Myers-Briggs personality assessment, I help people going through a career transition/crisis identify what it is they are passionate about, make peace as they go through the transition (or crisis!), and provide positive support as new opportunities are brainstormed, explored, and mapped out!

the back of my business card, reads, discover what you were born to do…

operations still evolving.  yes.  and I’ll throw in some life coaching here and there.  ;-)

but mbg is OPEN for business!

for me, mind body gallery represents a gentle collision of the mind, physical form, and a gallery of inspired creativity and play/work that emerges from the mind-body.

does that make any sense whatsoever?

if not, that’s cool.

knowing what I know now about my Myers-Briggs Personality Type, I totally get that it can be hard for others to read between the lines of what I’m trying to say.  there is a lot going on in my brain that doesn’t get outside often.  hehe.

the hub has gotten quite used to it.  and even enjoys it.  thank God!

website changes a-coming in December/January!  can’t wait!!  stay tuned!

xo