Tag Archives: listening to your body

MiScellany.

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eyes wide open. literally.  after a visit to my rockin’ awesome eye doc.  my peepers got the clean bill of health.

no prescription change either.

shocker coming from the gene pool in which I was made.

got home earlier than normal after shielding my dilated eyes from the blinding sun.  (luckily the doc’s office is super close.)  and something urged me to take the puppers for an extra long walk.

the dilation drops were very slowly wearing off, so I relaxed into the beauty around me.    since I could SEE everything.  and as I gazed at the swaying trees in our park while the puppers combed the grass, I felt a medley of something I don’t feel very often:  connection.  presence.  calm.  clear.  confidence.  confident that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  ahhhh.  and that felt so good.  and it still is here – four days later.

sidebar>>may the fourth be with you.  haha.  can’t help it.  ;-)  happy Star Wars day!

even the doggy picked up on my calm energy.  she didn’t pull.  and didn’t want to lead.  she didn’t bark at any skate-boarders.  or even the FedEx truck.  she just trotted along beside me.  stopping to smell all the scents left behind from other furry creatures.  apparently, smelling things is like watching a reality TV show for dogs.  my puppers definitely travels life with her eyes wide open.

the eye doc said I’m doing really well.  and had a fourth neurologist referral should I decide to switch in the future.  hmmm.  I see my current neuro on Tuesday.

tangential curve:  loving work-life most days.  lots of connections.  and I love that I’m on a new project.  that makes all the difference to me:  learning and doing new sh*t.  getting things organized.

with that, I’m going to take a break from my extra-curricular learning.  I have Bike MS to prep for in October.  we’re gonna go for the full 100. but will settle for Day 1 if that’s how it works out. whatever happens, happens.

so grateful for what is.

this week, I decided to swap two words from one of my fave quotes from Gretchen Rubin:  the days are long, the years are short.

and change it to…the days are short, the years are long.

whatever one envisions, one can create.  that’s mine.  and it just popped to the surface.  write that one down woman!

what happened to you this week?  my cuz and Grandma were on my mind a lot.  I took a good chunk of my inheritance from my Grandma and passed it forward to the MS Society.  that felt so good!

xox

good-bye 38.

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wow.  38 sure was a full plate.

really did I just rhyme that?  let me contemplate…ummm.  no.

so to continue with my plate theme…last year was full of lots of plates stacked on top of each other.  some fell, sadly.

but lots didn’t…and looked like…

learning.

inspiration.

growth.

loving.  more.

sharing.

giving.

creating.

followed by some writing.  ;-)

cheering.

and more loving.  oh wait.  already said that.

so that’s what 38 was all about…thank you for all that you gave me.

whaaat’s up 39?!

I’ll see you tomorrow.  can’t wait to experience what you have in store for me!  if you’re listening, I’ll have some more of the fun, colorful, great-full, and feel-good plates, please.  mega-learning and expansion.  a completed first draft, for sure.  solid health.  yeah!  movement at work.  a new biz website.  and maybe throw in a celebrity run-in.  that would be cool.  you know, not even a well-known celebrity will do.  I’ll take ‘em!  and don’t forget the LOVE.  always gotta have that!

xox

pause and effect.

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scene:  the hub and I were sitting at a bar tonight.

what did you think? I asked, as I let the smooth merlot warm my throat.

did you feel the pause and effect? I continued.

what? he replied.

I don’t know.  that just popped out.  the ‘when she didn’t hear me.’  you know what I’m talking about.  the pause and effect.

I paused.

ah.  yes, yes, I did.  I was wondering if you were going to break it.  and you didn’t.  I wanted you to, but then I realized it would be harder if you did.

xo

the space between thoughts.

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I didn’t realize I had been ignoring the space until today…and that made all the difference…

oooph!

after marching along on superdrive for the last three months, clobbering my brain.

three classes (MBTI Step II, Intuition, and now B-School).

new concepts.

ideas.

planning my first workshop.  yippee!

inspiration.

fear (yep…that decided to creep in and check things out. on and off.)

excitement.

until everything came to a screeching halt on Saturday night while out with friends.

during a lively debate with a good friend about a topic on which we were polar opposites…

I became weighted down by an intense heaviness.

I couldn’t shut it off.  and it didn’t want to go away.

so in an attempt to fend it off, I said something kinda rude to my friend.  that I didn’t mean.

(but that’s not true, if I didn’t mean it in that exact moment, I wouldn’t have said it.)

I was slammed with overwhelm in that moment when everyone around me jumped on me.

I paused.  breathed.  smiled.  apologized.

collected my thoughts that were already wavering, ready to topple…

(what the hell am I doing?! and why did I just say that?! how do I say this in a way they will all see my side of things?!)

so I reframed.

he said he had never looked at things that way, yet we still agreed to disagree.

but the weight would not leave.  and the thoughts dangerously close to toppling were still there.

I tried Sunday and Monday nights to figure out the source of the weight…

intensely missing my sisters after spending a week with them.  worried about my mother in the hospital.  tossing and turning Sunday night after waking up from a work nightmare.

I became short and snippy.  demanding.  with everyone.  hub.  work.  myself.

(fyi – this is my Type at its worst!)

so I poured through my new Myers-Briggs book Monday night.  and found some answers. (brilliant book, btw, Do What You Are.)

yep, I can blame this one on my personality type.  ha!  joke’s on me.

Tuesday, I felt like crap at work.

but the weight became a bit lighter Tuesday night after receiving a new project at work.

yet returned with a vengeance this morning…until I decided I had enough.

so I put on a Deepak Chopra mediation (not part of Oprah’s deal with him – fyi for you peeps not on the Oprah team… ;-) while I made up my sullen face (insert INFJ death stare ;-) getting ready for work…

…and that’s when I heard the words…find the space between the thoughts...

I repeated them out loud.  and goosebumps rippled down my legs…and I decided not to think about the meaning of what I had just heard…

and everything fell back into place, easily, freely, and peacefully.  the anger dissipated almost instantly.  insecurities gone.  fear vanished.

and I let it go…with that tiny space I had just let in.

stepping back – I can see what led to this…

family stuff.  good and bad.

packing my brain so full with things to do and learn, I had zero space to add some space.  even a millimeter would have been okay.

so the lesson…don’t pack things in too tight.

things will topple eventually…when they don’t have to…they just need some breathing room.

xox

what a difference an hour makes.

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I used to always despise moving the clock forward.

losing a whole hour from the precious, beautiful weekend hours. boof that!

but didn’t feel that way this weekend.

I actually lined through everything on the TO DO list.

let me frame the momentum of this: I have never, ever completed every thing that I have set out to do that is on my dreaded to do list.

so I’m calling this a small victory. so satisfying! (really am a J to the core, and that’s okay!)

the first of many victories, I say.

takes some turtle steps to get moving, doesn’t it!?

one thing I did differently for this to do list.

I grouped the items into categories:

Saturday.

- non-negotiables.

Un-fun work.

- bills, errands, taxes. boof! laundry…wait a second – laundry wasn’t even on my list – and I still did that. whaaaat?!

Fun work.

- B-School stuff. outline draft #1 for my upcoming workshop on Myers-Briggs Step II – In addition to being totally awesome, who am I, really? synced iTunes. and installed MS Office on my laptop (h*ll yes, that one is HUGE…see ya Pages! ;)

this B-School biz is going to change my life. it already is. again.

how many times can a girl’s life be changed?! first time when I was given a copy of The Secret in 2006. second time after I discovered Martha Beck….and it was all downstream from there…

it never ends does it?

I have, “life is not a destination, it’s a journey,” posted on the inside of my medicine cabinet. not sure who wrote it. but it’s a gem.

back to B-School, it hit me this weekend that I have a LONG A*S list of things that I’m interested in, once I started writing them all down. things that inspire me. give me goose bumps. get me into the flow. you know – flow – when time evaporates? don’t you love it when that happens!? (there has to be a way to make money in the flow. I am determined to figure that out. ;-)

(most of this stuff I love has been vomited all over this blog mess that I have created – I get it! it’s a confusing mess of practical? advice? life coaching tidbits. dream work. bits and pieces of my messy soul. fiction fun. Myers-Briggs. photography. life. memoirs. health stuff – boof!)

time to wrap it all. or deconstruct it. some way. some how.

expect a massive clean up on this website over the summer-fall months. don’t know what it will look like, but it’s coming.

the hub is holding me to NOT sign up for any more coursework until I make time for my business. (shhhh… I know I’m going to secretly take another writing course – as that is a non-negotiable on my inspiration list. can anyone say Danielle LaPorte…?)

per Marie Forleo, everything is figure-outable. go figure. ;-)

what’s on your list?!

think about it.

xo

ps. some day must share the crazy dream I had with Tyra Banks in it Friday night…where did she come from?! and there I was ooohing and awwwwing along with the rest of her followers. strange! (not really one by the way, but not judging…just sayin’!) and the hilarious scene when she showed a group of us what she does with a full paper towel roll. could not stop laughing when I shared her dream advice with my hub!

it is official.

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…I am getting my official game on people!

moving to the next level of where I want to move in life…

yeeehhhawww!

feels expansive. and terrifying at the same time…

(that, my friends, is how one tells the difference between intuition and fear – if it ain’t expansive, it’s fear.)  ;-)

oooph!!

so here goes my plan…

step 1. sign up for Marie Forleo’s B-School. done!

step 2. send the intention for my end game out to the Universe. ummm, done!

step 3. start doing more of what I am being called to do: help people. write. and blog. speak.  life coach!  career coach!  create. inspire. volunteer at the art center. finish my dang book! travel.  just frickin’ do it, woman!  creative inspiration in the ravaged corporate-world.  ummm yeah..all kinda in progress.  though I had to ask my hub to stop me from signing up for any more classes after B-School.  so I can do more on this plan!

step 4. rebrand my website. and blog.  not yet!

step 5. do and fail at steps 3 and 4 over and over again.  until it sticks.  because that’s the only way it will.  bazinga!  zero here.

step 6. make an awesome Harlem Shake video.  also a big NULL!  for now.

that is all.

so…what is your calling, people!  I know you have one!  (that tiny voice that comes from within, helps provide the guidance.)

share below…puleeeeze!

because…you know you are awesome…and I would love to hear the magnitude of your awesome-sauce!!  go on, do it!

xox

un-happening.

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oooph!  how early did it feel waking up today after a long holiday weekend?

even went to bed by 9PM last night to ensure 8 hours of sleep.

but it hurt getting up at 5:16 in the AM today.

my body does NOT like alarms.  whose does?  I would like to know!  I prefer the natural method of waking up.  any tips on this, my ears are dying to know!  do share!

but I dragged myself into my AM daily activities.  I have to get moving right away.  otherwise no moving happens.

did some EFT work in the kitchen while the coffee was brewing and toast toasting.  and began to feel better, bit more alert, some-what more energized.  amazing how well tapping works!

but my new mood was quickly interrupted after returning to my AM writing place.  as I found myself bothered by something someone didn’t say to me.  but then another one did.

whaaaat?  I isolated the feeling down to ‘I felt left out.’  hellooooo?  I’m the one everyone talks to when they have a problem.  I’m the empathetic ear.  I want to be there!  that’s how I assign value to myself.  so whose business am I in?  by allowing a preference, oversight, or whatever the reason why I was being overlooked…to bother me.  I can’t control when others reach out to me.

pause.

oh right.  that last bit.  that’s the rub. it’s fulfilling to me to provide support.  once I identified the source.  bit selfish, eh?  ;-)  I did some self-coaching.  and felt better.  so decided to move on.

but unfortunately, the ball had already been set in motion.  and when I found myself rushed to walk away from my laptop to get ready for work…the negative thoughts started to cascade…

and it was all down a treacherous slope from there…not to mention the hub and I were completely off on our getting ready routine. bordering on irritated words being exchanged.  after almost walking smack into each other crossing paths.  clearly the self-coaching and tapping efforts didn’t stick.  I blame the early hour.  ;-)

while I was finishing up getting ready, figuring out what to do with the bangs I had screwed up by getting them partially wet in the shower, I said to my hub, “I just want to reset this mood that I’m in, because I know it’s not good and will likely get worse once I get to work.  you know, re-entry and all.”

he replied, “just let it un-happen.”

that caused me to pause.  and consider resetting.  I let that word sink in.  muttering it softly to myself.  testing it out.  genius!

I said, “un-happen, love it.  thanks baby.  thanks baby!”

and do I did.

what do you let un-happen?  I’m curious!

xox

ps.  so much for my breathing and smiling in 2013… ;-)

xox

word.

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been working with my MuSe for inspiration 2011-12.

now time to create what inspires me.

a completed first draft.  already underway.

a job.  even in my current job.

a healthy body.  with my current body.

a strong(er) mind.

a business.

learning.  and listening.

happiness.  laugh.  smile.

balance.

connect.  (no, baby, not on the XBox… ;-)

Lori Koop says one word is easier to focus on than a list of resolutions that is quickly forgotten.  and very often broken.

I discovered that just by identifying my one word for 2013, create…all the things for which I do reach – feel much more palpable.  and closer.  no set timeline.  easy.

create comes after inspiration.

here’s to a better year this year!! be safe out there tonight, people!

what’s your word for 2013?  create below if you like…I dare ya!  ;-)

xoxo

the way.

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finished the book, Untethered Soul, this afternoon.

and I have concluded that this book is definitely going on the books that changed my life shelf.

indeed.  this one may have topped the list.

do read it.  and go back to it.

I know I will.

forces one to think.  and not think.

ponder.

and consider.  inspiration.

why we are here?

what is the end-goal of life?

why?

all questions I have been playing with for the past four years.  (really, that’s it!)

until then, I had been living a false life.

hiding behind my story.  do you have one too?

but when my carefully self-constructed story began to disintegrate out of my control, I didn’t know what to do.

and so, I have been on a roller-coaster journey since.

well, let me back up.  I had glimpses of this revelation in 2006.  I was intrigued.  curious.

thanks to my chiropractor.  she saw something I could not see yet.

how grateful, I am for this journey, as hard and painful as it has been!

I had been living a false, superficial, artificial life.

not that I believe that I have now reached the promised land.  because I know things always change.

even after carefully constructing a simple, easy, planned life years ago – I stand corrected.

it was this thing called a chronic condition that really solidified my realization that there is more to life than security.  external approval.  and more approval.

that’s the life I had been living.  pretty weak, eh?

when one of my friends said back in…2007?…that all she wanted was to be happy…my reaction was, that’s it?

now, I get it.  I get it!

I have been shown the way.

and I have been rolling around bottom of the pendulum swing for the last year+.  with some momentary and/or a few hour-long swings both ways.

but I get it.

the only thing in life that is worth our being here for our short stint on planet earth, is to reach an even flow of ecstasy.

all the time.

it’s so simple, it’s hard.

xo

how much we take for granted.

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how much we take for granted.

and with the events of yesterday…how can one not think of what we take for granted? God bless the lost souls. and affected loved ones. a shooting in Las Vegas and then another one in Fashion Island, Newport Beach today? really?

what is happening to us? I cried.

but tonight, my attention was diverted by an uber-spasmed muscle.

it sure is the un-spasmed muscles we take for granted. for one.

oooph. hub and I were out for a lovely dinner tonight.

shabu shabu style to finish off our week of meat indulgence. cows are off my list for 2013, I decided.

after finishing off with a strawberry macoron. my entire right side – from low rib cage up.

decided to spasm.

like someone had shoved an amber glowing fireplace poker between my skin and my muscles. ooooph. how it burned. and burned.

I couldn’t even contract my stomach muscles. or breathe in deeply. at all.

someone had decided to hug me hard enough to evacuate all the air from my lungs. and burn me. and keep hugging me. oh so tight.

even my body stopped me from a sneeze that was ready to erupt. my body was not having any other focus than this intense pain.

let’s go, I look at my hub. in desperation. I’m so sorry.

can you please just rub it? I don’t know what’s happening. it’s hot. and burning. and I can’t breathe very well. I say to my worried hub as we head home.

I know spasms are a part of the MS card. but really. this bad??

please God. release me, I pleaded.

staving off the tears. it burned so incredibly bad. ever notice that when you’re in intense pain, the tears don’t come easily. your body is so distracted by the pain. no tears swell to the surface and tip over the edge of your bottom eyelashes. even when my right foot spasms in a zombie type manner.

with the intensity, I don’t cry. though the pain is worthy of tears.

I tapped. and tapped in the car on the way home. I get it, I have MS, and I accept it. I whisper over and over again.

and then stretched and stretched, my right arm stretched high over the left side of my body. the peeps driving behind us must have been curious.

my hub rubbed my back after we got home. over and over again. I get up and stretch. and pace.

it’s not getting better, I say. what is this? I want to know. please someone help me, help me.

so I go to the bathroom and decide to focus on peeing – sorry for the graphic image.

good. good. I can still pee in this condition. and I stretch some more. phew. and then I walk out. and start breathing deeply.

whaaaat? it’s gone? I say. it’s gone? really that quickly?

I’m confused. is it really gone? I want to know.

yes. it’s gone.

thank you, God. thank you, thank you, thank you. I silently say.

I know I have been denying that I have MS. I do not deny that anymore.

I accept it. a year+ later.

and I will do something with it, I promise.

xo

ps. thank you God, for giving me my rock. he so didn’t sign up for this. or maybe he did. now the tears flow easily. x